I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Holy sore nipples Batman
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Randomize
