DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Randomize
