i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
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