Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
