I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
