This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
