I'm really into asian looking animals
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
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