I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
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