i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Randomize
