drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
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