My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
