i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Randomize
