xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
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