I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
sex in a hospital.. check
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
