please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
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