Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
