I puked a lego.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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