Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Randomize