There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
