I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Randomize
