News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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