i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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