I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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