We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
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