maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
