There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
