I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
