Jerry, you need to find god
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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