Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
