Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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