Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
