I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
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