You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
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