I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
