i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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