im six kinds of drunk right now
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Randomize
