Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
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