The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
