Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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