Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
