Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
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