We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
