Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
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