I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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