rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
