ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Randomize
