One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
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