I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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