the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
