My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
