4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Randomize
