Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Randomize