you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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