my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
