If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Randomize
