Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
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